I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
