I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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