just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
