i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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