i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
