So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
