then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They have beer where we have blood.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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