sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
