He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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