Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
