When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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