It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
