wat bout pragnant strippers??
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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