I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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