he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
