Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
