goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
