Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
