She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
