Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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