take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize