My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
