Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
