I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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