they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
