i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
