im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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