Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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