You're my little dorito
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
