I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
