why didn't you poke me back
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
