I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
