i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
