(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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