Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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