I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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