I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
