god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
