I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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