You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
