i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
