Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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