peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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