I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize