so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
