redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
