Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
