Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
