Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
