nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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