dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
