there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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