If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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