I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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