The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my sisters under your porch take her home
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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