STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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