If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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