And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
